On sadness

I’m sad. Sad because I’m feeling lonely. So maybe this one should be called “on loneliness”. We’ll see. I don’t really want to call it that tho. Maybe it has to do with relatability. I don’t want anyone in a relationship dismissing this one as a random single person rant. Here’s why.

K has been gone a few days so it’s just me at the flat. And I’ve been trying to set up a date with this guy that I like. Trying and failing. Which makes me fall in love with my job that is so flexible, but it also makes me sad. Sad that I don’t get to share random things that happen during the day with someone over dinner. Or cuddle up. Or cook for. Or have brunch with.

But that’s a key thing: I’m feeling lonely. I’m not lonely. And the feeling of loneliness that I have today is a whole lot different compared to the loneliness I felt in a relationship. When I technically had all those things I miss today. But didn’t really feel at home. Which was no fault of the person I was in a relationship with. But now, being in a relationship with me, I get the difference. I’m at home. And happy, even when a bit sad. Because I’m at home.

vaikuse rütmis

Täna on eikunagimaa iseeneses leitud. Näis kui kauaks seekord, aga kuniks, siis nautigem. Eikunagimaa pole tegelikult kunagi see kõige õigem tundunud. Pigem eikunagimets on olnud otsimiste eesmärgiks. Ja nüüd, plaanides kaugemale ära kolida, eikunagimeri.

Naljakas on selle merega - pole kunagi suur mere inimene olnud. Ajan ikka muudkui oma metsa taga ja valin mujal ööbides võimalusel toa aknast avaneva vaate järgi: kui on puu, siis sobib. Esimene asi koidula koduga oli ju samuti läbi toa aknast välja vaadata ja puud nähes kuulutada, et selle ma võtan. Seejärel ülejäänud elamist uudistades selgus muidugi, et ka rõdu kohal laiutab vaher oma värviliste lehtedega lausa köögi akendessegi. Mida siis veel tahta!?!

Tahaks ehk toredaid korterikaaslasi? Olemas! Koguvad näiteks tualetti põnevat lugemist. Viimaseks pärliks Tätte reisikiri kuskilt. Pole sellega veel eriti kaugele jõudnud, kuid juba on tunne, et peabki väikestes kogustes seda head lugemist tarbima. (olen lausa nii osav tarbija, et tarbin isegi lugemist.... vahvaid mõtteid tarbimisest näiteks http://www.animalssavetheplanet.com).

Reisikirja päris kirjutama ei hakka, aga oma metsaskäigust räägin küll. Esiteks pean tunnistama (vt eelmise lõigu veebiaadressi), et armastan ikka autosõitu. Eriti siis, kui kellegi teise hilinemine vabandab peaaegu et iseenda jaoks mitte-päris-reeglite-järgi-sõidustiili... Teiseks hindan oma lähedaste suhtumist mu metsaarmastusse ning sellest tulenevaid kutseid mängima autojuhti pigem sellistesse kantidesse, kus mul päriselt hea on olla. Nagu tänane Raudsillal käik. Kuigi jõgi ja minupikkused nõgesed seadsis omad piirangud mu liikumisvabadusele, sattusin siiski päris lõbusasse metsaseltskonda. Olles marssinud mõningase maa jõge pidi alla, lõikas lai vesi vallatu kurviga mu tee, kuid avas uue põneva vaate. Teisel pool jõge närisid muru (no tõsiselt...) lambad! Tegu oli üpris suure karjaga ning lisaks traditsioonilistele valgekarvalistele olid esindatud nii tumedamad kui heledamad pruunid toonid ning ka paar päris musta. Viimastest üks uhkete sarvedega oinas, kelle pilk mus lõpuks pisut kõhedust tekitas ja pidin tõdema, et mõnikord on hea, kui distants on kasvõi tehislikult loodud. Minu lemmik oli siiski üks tõmmu tegelane valge villatuustiga otsaees! Küll ma kahtlustasin, et ta oli lihtsalt mõne valgekarvalisega natuke maid jaganud ja selle tulemusena end "võõraste sulgedega ehtinud". Siiski näitas pikaajaline ülejõe-vaatlus, et tegemist ongi blondi pruunikarvalise lambaga :)

Tagasiteel ei suutnud siiski merest mööda sõita ning peale mõningaid seiklusi leidsime endi jaoks päris uue ranna. Pean taaskord tunnistama, et mu pärisoma paradiisil on siiski paar nõrkust, millest üheks on see, et Peipsi põhjarannikul ei looju päike kunagi päris õigesse kohta. Ehk siis selliste loojangute nimel oleksin vist valmis ka soolast merevett omaks pidama.

Õhtuhämaruses jätkan aga oma väikeses eikunagimaa pesas koidulas. maheda küünlahelgiga toas, lambapilvetuustide ja tähepoistega akna taga ning Johnny Deppiga arvutiekraanil filmis Chocolat :P Kuum kakao sai küll otsa, aga film õnneks veel mitte.

Au revoir!

All summer long

Whoa, it has been some week. Or even some month to be exact. But the week spent in Roosta and then the weekend at my summer house add up to a fantastic way to end the summer. Not that I'd fully agree with the autumn weather outside as it is still warm and sunny in my heart, but still, the 1st of sept has that certain ring to it even if I'm not starting school in any form for a change. This is the first year since 1991 I guess that I'm not involved with any educational organisations. Though I did find an interesting offer in Romania that includes some connections with a high school... I am running out of finances so it would be great to figure things out sometime soon - summer can't last forever!

Still, the week in Roosta was close to a really great summer - there was sunshine and proper rain, I swam in the sea on the 28th of August (my kid sis's b-day!) with waves as crazy as they can be on our shores here, had some sizzling hot sauna accompanied by a dip in the sea again, danced most of the evenings and worked on a fascinating theme of development cooperation during the days, and had my own little adventure the last night there which resulted in sleeping through most of the following day. There certainly are benefits to not being the only driver in the family - I got to sleep all the way to the summer house not having to worry about keeping my eyes open to keep the car on the road.

oh yeah,

...AND WE'VE GOT A GOLD MEDAL FROM BEIJING!!!

This has been some fine day :)

London skies

Guess who's going to London tomorrow!!! Whohoooo - I can't believe it! And, what's more, I'm going for a job interview! And as if today hasn't been good enough, there's the night song festival starting in a few hours too. I'm sure it's going to be just grand with 130 choirs registered and so many people planning on coming to sing together the songs that no true Estonian can sing without a tear in their eyes and goosebumps all over... I should go find my camera for this!

Mmmmmeri, mu meri

It's funny how the word "sea" sounds not far as good as the same word in Estonian (meri). As goes for "wind"(tuul) and "tree"(puu) and "moon"(kuu), all of which rhyme by the way! Tho "lunar eclipse" sounds odd in both languages! But there is still the meaning that truly makes the difference. If you have not seen the raging sea as majestic as anything under the heavens, nor trees bending like grass in the same wind that is moving vast clouds of heavy rain up above, nor the shadow of our own small planet slowly overcoming the reflection of the Sun on our close companion the moon, it really makes no difference which words you would use to try to describe it. Not that seeing all of it helps much, but I guess that's not my task for the day anyways. I just want to express my amasement with nature and how great of an influence it has on our lives if we only dare to explore it! The rush you get from running into the waves that you have just seen breaking on the rocks on the shore, or standing on top of a tower leaning against the wind wondering if it will break off at any minute and allow you to fall as there is nothing to hold on to... Or even just sitting under a tree reading a book listening to the birds singing. For certain things, language makes no difference!

maailmas vaid ilu hoiab mind

Right, so I thought of something - so I don't need anyone, not even to help me with the car anymore, but it would be nice to have some one for all those things. I like that point of view a lot more.

Walking home yesterday I saw a guy a few meters ahead suddenly stepping away from his group towards a gate nearby. After a few seconds he joined his friends and named the characteristics of a dodge ram he'd seen in the yard. As his friends didn't seem too excited the conversation turned elsewhere, whereas I was glad to have a friend there to keep me back from climbing the fence to see the car close up :D

Well, it wasn't that bad. But after having driven a friends truck, I like the feeling of driving in a tank, above everyone else, and with such power... But now, what I really wanted to share - Viru Folk and Hoven Droven and Käsmu and the sea and the stars and life and love and dance.... Now, you could either put the story together yourself using these key words or I'll still give some more information. Viru Folk is a new folk music festival held in the picturesque seaside village of Käsmu. Hoven Droven is a fantastic Swedish folk rock band that last performed here 9 years ago. It was another folk music festival in the southern part of the country and my first folk fest ever (I was a lot more of a kid 9 years ago!). Viljandi Folk is where I fell in love with HD and the music they make and have missed them since. Until yesterday, when they rocked the slightly smaller but just as enthusiastic crowd once again! I danced like crazy with a stupid smile on my face as a girl would who meets an old but never faded love!

And then the night continued with a groovy DJ who played some proper ska and other great world music. So after the day of great music I had a pair of broken shoes, soar neck and a heart full of joy. It still surprises me what power music holds and how it can just change my world completely! The dark sea and starry August sky only added to the experience. But I still love my summer house more. Nevermind the roof that is still leaking in some places tho we've worked on it more or less for a few weeks now. Once the sauna is finished next summer it will be even better! Life is great, even if it is raining and the temperature is more late autumn than August...

ei ühtegi münti

Oh seda ilusat Eesti keelt küll. Ja seda ilusat Eesti muusikat, millest ei saa kuidagi küll. Ja ilusaid Eesti inimesi, kellest alati aru ei saa, aga ikka on omad. Ja seda imelist loodust, mida pole kuskil mujal maailmas! Ja Eesti suvi - väike aga tubli :) Kodu on ikka kodu, olgu see muu maailm kui ilus tahes!